FLOWERS AND YOU

I’m heartsick and well rehearsed
Highly decorated with a badge that reads
“it could be worse”
So prideful I choose to live in disguise
With a levee set for my heavy eyes
I apologize for the grief
When you’d refuse to eat
I didn’t know just what to say
While watching you wither away
I’m homesick and living in the past
Seemingly unfazed and strong if anyone asks
I’m keeping up appearances with white lies
With a levee set for my heavy eyes
I apologize for the grief
When you’d talk about belief
I didn’t know just what to say
While watching you wither away
It was time this whole time
We can’t undo or rewind
Just a simple conversation
About nothing much at all
Couldn’t keep me in the room
I just kept walking down the hall
But now I understand
Just what a fool I’d been
No matter what the context
I won’t have that time again
(and I live with that)
I took inventory of what I took for granted
And I ended up with more than I imagined
I’ve kept it bottled up and to myself
In the cellar kept for my ever-changing mental health

NEW HALLOWEEN

Somehow it’s already been a year
Embracing all diversions to make this feeling disappear
Now I just feel you everywhere
It coincides with the guilt of knowing that I wasn’t there
I was told that you wouldn’t have known
Told myself I was where you’d want me to be
(but it’s not that easy)
I tried to be your light
Did my best to shine
Nothing I do feels right
As I went out all the time
How has it already been a year?
I skip over songs, because they’re too hard to hear
Like track two on Benji
or “What Sarah Said”
They just hit too close when I’m already in my head
I was told that you were half asleep
Told myself you would be proud of me
(but it’s not that easy)
Somehow it’s already been a year
You keep finding new ways to make yourself reappear
I hope you never leave me be
I haven’t found the courage to listen to your last message to me

RAPTURE

With so much gloom surrounding
I feel cornered up against a wall
Pulled down and slowly drowning
Taking bets on who is next to fall
I saw the glass as half full
So I felt I could ask for more
I was comfortable
It spilled over onto the floor
I begged to go back to before
With the damage done
And the damage won
Like a wave
Like the rapture
Something you love is gone
Like a wave
Like the rapture
Something you love is gone
Someone you love is gone
And leaves you fractured
i saved the worst for last

DISPLACEMENT

You died at 69
With a body full of cancer
I asked your god “how could you”
But I never heard an answer
No one saw it coming
The Diagnosis of stage four
The bravest woman I knew
That survived it once before
Last week I crashed my car
I walked away unscathed
Maybe that was you
Asking me to keep my faith
You’d cry at the thought
Of never seeing me again
If there was an afterlife
Or what you’d call heaven
I’ve never felt so selfish
It’s not what I prefer
I always kept it honest
Especially for her
She gave me her best
She swore I was her heart
I couldn’t worship the god that let her fall apart
I’m not sure what I believe
Well I think that’s understood
But I know she’s looking out for me
The way she said she would

BENEDICTION

It’s an ugly day in Glendale
In a place that you once knew
Where you helped that senile woman
That now has outlived you
I’m still taking it all in
I’m adapting to this loss
I wonder if she
remembers you
How could she have forgotten
There’s a crack in this shell
And some light is shining through
As I sorted through the pieces
That told the stories I never knew
You left a hole in this earth
And you paid for it up front
I had to fill it with dirt
While your friend sang the song
May the Lord, mighty God,
Bless and keep you forever;
Grant you peace, perfect peace
Courage in every endeavor
It was a sunny day in Norfolk
Next to the tree that caught your eye
I walked the ground you grew on
With my brother at my side
I’m still taking it all in
I’m adapting to this loss
People say with time
it gets easier
But I just think that they are wrong

EIGHT SECONDS

There is no dress rehearsal
Just a script that I’ve never read
A sad story that is universal
A vague idea of what to expect
Is it curtains already
I haven’t learned my lines
Is it curtains already
I just thought that we’d have more time
A missed call with a message attached
“We need to talk when you have a chance”
I stood frozen in that Gainesville venue
Not knowing how to react
Is it curtains already?
I haven’t learned my lines
Is it curtains already?
I’ll improvise
Not surprising I put off the call
Socialized and put up a wall
Anything to prolong the chances
Before confirming she was really gone
I crossed SW 2nd Street
Made the call and stared at my feet
“She passed away about an hour ago
While you were onstage living the dream”

PALM DREAMS

What was it that brought you west?
I assumed but can only guess
It’s the questions that went unasked
That appear when time has passed
It felt like many years
Taking apart our home
I dug through 40 years
All alone
On my own
Was it all the palm trees
Placed where they shouldn’t be
That made you feel complete
In this land of make believe
Like going 65 on the 5 at 5
I am still bereaved
Come every ocean breeze
What was it that brought you west?
Where I lay my head to rest

SOFTER SPOKEN

When words are softer spoken, they often sound the best
Now so interwoven they’ve burrowed in my chest
I’m all used up I’m out of steam
Vacationing somewhere in between
A city named catharsis and the other called empty
In one I feel so common and the other I am royalty
I’m seeking out a place, one to give me peace
(and everything between)
Because ever since you died
I can’t control anything
Everything feels new
Built from catastrophe
Just when I get a hold
it slips away from me
I’ve always relied on melody
I’ve come to rely on love
But there’s absence in my heart
When I know I have enough

POSING HOLY

A sugar scented sinful message
That everyone saw through
Now subterfuge and Manhattan blues
Seem to dictate my mood
I’ve counted blessings while confessing
I’ve some to spare
Beg or borrow
swallow sorrow
I’ve come prepared
It’s a right of passage
It’s a torch to carry
When you feel that damage
And it’s extraordinary
The oscillating toll it’s taking
On everyone involved
We’ll find connections through extensions
To not feel so alone
It’s an initiation
Conducted at bedside
To a steady beat
To help keep time
We’re all focused on holding onto
All that we have got
While we’re drifting slowly and posing holy
for all that we are not

WATER DAMAGE

You couldn’t help but spill your glass
Onto that night stand
So that wood raised and cracked
You came to have such shaky hands
Those patriotic coffee cups
That came in a set of four
Became three when I found a handle broken off on the tile floor
Where you used to cook our meals
While you watched that small TV
That was so dangerously placed above the kitchen sink
They’ve all gone away
Again I find myself focused on the insignificance
Like there will be a revelation that’ll make a difference
That night when you took the wrong dose
And weren’t making any sense
Is a night that I often remember and one I wish I could forget
But it’s there to stay
It’s been replaying
Over and over
The words they echo
Over and over
When you leaned in and said
“We both know what this is”
And I haven’t recovered since

SKYSCRAPER

Atop the skyscraper
One hundred and two floors
New York City
It was yours
It's yours
You live there, under the lights
Below the busy streets
We watched your dreams unfold
New York City
It's all yours
It's yours
You live there, under the lights